#11 My last dream
My last dream, I was at an kind of „speed dating event“, where every person asked you a question and vis versa.
I was asked, how do I feel, when I am in the center of attention. I said ashamed.
For most my life, I tried to find attention from others. With two older siblings, I might have been doing this since I am little. My grandpa filmed us playing tennis and I was the ball boy. While he filmed my sibling playing, I tried to get his attention by being goofy and fool around. In elementary School i didn’t had much friends, was bullied and it continued through pre high school. By the age of 14/15, I changed my behavior to fit to the “cool” kids and didn’t really listened to who I am and what is important to me. At 16/17 I went to a school to obtain a degree, so I could go to college and had for the first time real friends. But, I was still “playing” a person I am not. It continued through the years of college and moments where I felt ashamed of things I have said or done increased. I more and more became aware that this is not me but due to my low self esteem, I never had to courage to change, learn who I am and stand for what I believe in. I lost myself in partying/drinking. I reacted with denial as friends confronted me with that and lost the awareness of myself. .
At the end of college, I had my first deep and real relationship and she saw in me and loved the person I really am. It was for a long time the first time that I felt accepted to be me, feel the courage and self esteem to stand for my thoughts, feelings and values. Still, It ended due to mostly my insecurity with my self.
It took many years to finally being aware and learn who I am, accept who I am and to have the self-esteem to stand my ground. .
This is also the main reasons why Im sharing my daily thoughts with you. To open up to you , to have the courage to speak open about my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for caring and reading! Love, Seb
Happy birthday to this pretty lady!
Anna Wojciechowski Brietzke with @tracy.anaka
3 33an hour ago
Anger is an automatic response to buried pain.
It is a secondary or substitute emotion you use to defend your pain.
Anger makes you feel powerful in a situation you feel out of control and powerless.
It gives you a temporary sense of self-importance and false self-esteem.
You feel justified in your anger when you objectify your projection (projected anger).
The problem with that is you get yourself stuck in a double blinded loop believing in your anger projecting it out there.
Doing this will entrap you in a self imposed prison with no escape.
Anger projected is just your way to avoid or escape the core issue, your deeper pain.
So when you find yourself angry, know this...
No man is important enough to make you angry.
Stepping out of my comfort zone for this post. If any photo has me in it it’s generally just my face and that’s what I’m most comfortable with. I’ve never been one to live by the “if you got it, flaunt it” mindset and I’ve never “showed off” my body, no matter how confident or proud I felt. HOWEVER, this photo is being accompanied by an important message - so I’m dealing with it!👇🏻
Why are there so many negative connotations with “sizing up”? When it comes to health and fitness the primary goal for many people is to size down, to lose weight, etc
I’m not saying those goals aren’t important or realistic by any means; I had them too! But I’ve also learned that sizing up is a positive change too
I went to Lululemon recently and felt discouraged in the fitting room, having to transition from a size 4 to a size 6. I felt insecure. I felt like I had made no progress. I questioned everything I was doing in my health and fitness routine. I got out of the change room ASAP, bought my “stupid” size 6 leggings, and then decided to try them on again when I got home
The reason I’m a size up is because I’ve gained muscle since I started working out regularly; that butt in the mirror - I never had that!! And that’s when I realized...SIZING UP IS NOT A BAD THING
We are taught to measure and evaluate ourselves by numbers, either on the scale or on the clothing rack. We don’t validate our progress based on how we feel; we don’t often consider the physical and mental transformations that take place from a healthy routine - we just care about those darn numbers
I may have been in a funk, and had to tell myself to get a grip on reality and not to be discouraged over moving up a size, but after giving the subject more thought, I’m actually HAPPY. I’m more comfortable in my new size, and I can actually see my body’s transformation
I think these realizations aren’t often talked about, and that’s why this post is so important. Let’s keep body positivity going, people! 🙌🏻✨
One of my personal favorite parts about recovery is getting to choose what I want to eat based on what I’m actually CRAVING again 😋
The other day, while ordering a bagel at @cariboucoffee, I had a flashback to the days when it felt like I didn’t have a say over what went into my body.
When my eating disorder was in control, restaurants were my worst nightmare. They were an instant source of panic & anxiety. While waiting in line, I’d pretend to be texting, but really, I was Googling nutrition facts for items on the menu as fast as I could, desperate to find something before it was my turn to order.
I became so used to picking whatever was sugarfree, had the least calories, or had the lowest fat content that it wasn’t even a conscious choice anymore. It became second nature to avoid anything & everything that wasn’t a “safe food” or couldn’t immediately be calculated in my fitness pal.
I didn’t give the tiniest bit of thought to what sounded good; that was irrelevant, because weight loss ruled my world. It got to a point where I was eating things that I know the real me didn’t even LIKE, but since they were the “healthiest” choices, became a part of my diet anyway. In a nutshell, everything was completely outta whack, & I had no idea how to listen to my body anymore.
In the beginning stages of my recovery, I figured I was doomed. Food cravings felt so far gone that I thought they’d NEVER come back, & I’d forever be submissive to nutrition labels instead of my actual desires. Recovery felt like some far away place that was possible for other people, but never for me.
Now I know better, though. I know that the regenerative capacity of our bodies is AMAZING, and that as soon as we begin to nourish them & free them from the prison that is self-starvation, everything begins to fall back into place.
It takes time, of course, but before you know it, things will stabilize. As you stop restricting, your body will realize it’s safe, & will slowly start to trust your brain again.
...and soon enough, you’ll know what you want when you’re hungry, you’ll know when you want to stop, & you’ll wonder why you ever even doubted your body in the first place. 😌
5 393 hours ago
We only have lights, planes, and phones because people made 1,000's of mistakes... and didn't quit😏...
I don’t even know what to say.
The picture on the left is just as much of a shock to me as it is to you.
But that was me, trying to be anybody else other than myself.
The hashtag #thisis18 is circling the internet and is being used to show young women who are turning 18 this year what it was like to be that age...through our eyes.
But for me, 18 wasn’t “the glory days.”
It was a time when I did everything in my power to try to “fix” who I was.
And that meant completely changing what I looked like.
I remember the day this picture was taken—the day of my high school prom.
I’d been tanning for weeks, dyeing my hair as FAR from brown as I could(clearly), wearing pounds of makeup, dieting, etc.
And the more people told me I looked good, the deeper my fixation went.
But I wanted to be unrecognizable.
“Perfection” was my goal.
Fast forward to 9 years later and I can’t even believe I made it through.
I’m so in love with the woman I am now and I’m astounded that the person on the left was me.
If I could go back in time and tell that girl ANYTHING, it would be this:
“You do NOT need to change who you are to be loved. You are worthy and enough just the way you are.
This road isn’t going to get easier.
In college, it gets worse.
You’ll kick and scream and cry when you look in the mirror...but it will soon be over.
You will make it through.
And you won’t regret a thing.
Because overcoming those struggles led you to exactly where you are now. And you’ll become empowered to use those struggles to change lives.
Believe it or not, you are a gift from God.
Keep going, and remember that this pain will end.
Oh and...dye your hair back brown. Blonde does not suit you.”🤦🏻♀️
To all the 18 year olds out there...take note.
Perfection is a myth.
And although life doesn’t get any easier, it does get better.
✨What did 18 look like for you?
What message would you send to your former self??👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻
A woman should be 2 Things ;
A MF Boss & Independent 💋
I honestly think it’s Ridiculous to hear a female say “ She thinks she’s all that “, About another woman. Heaven Forbid a Woman have Self-esteem& know her MF worth without being Judge for it. This World would be a much better place if every woman knew their FULL WORTH & Capability. That should be Supported, encouraged &&’ Loved.
BE A BOSS. DON’T BE A B* #!&. 💎