Trying really hard to get in the Christmas spirit. I love Christmas time. I love the lights and the music and the food. I promised myself a Christmassy day. Was going to wrap the presents and make a lovely Christmassy dinner as a practice run. But I really struggling to move. It just needs to do one now! I don’t want Christmas to be over and I’ve missed it coz of my stupid anxiety! Anyone else ever feel like that? #anxiety#anxietyrelief#beproductivetoday
Meet Bug, my best bud and my partner in crime. Adopting him was one of the best decisions I’ve made in a really long time. Having someone else to take care of takes the focus off of myself which is a really good feeling. Living alone is great but can also suck. He makes it awesome. Thanks Bug 🖤
MID-WEEK MOTIVATION: This mid-week post is about the importance of mental health. Many people live normal lives and do not have this struggle while others do. Depression and various forms of other mental illnesses strike without warning and it takes people down into dark places. Depression in particular often brings negativity to the surface so quickly, that it masks ones character. Please help or talk to your friends if they suffer from depression, anxiety, or any other. Recently lost a family member from severe depression who was in the military. It hurts. He committed suicide the other day. Still hurts. Reach out to the ones you care about. Highlights from my paused squats last night to dedicate to Jim’s honor and service in the military. 445x3, 450x2, 455x1, 460x1. All PRS, depth need work, but I tried and succeed: all that matters! 500 squat is very close. The gym is like another form of a church when I have to face my depression. I face it everyday but this is how I choose to better myself and inspire others. Depression I won’t let you win, I’ll kick your ass.” Happy Wednesday everybody! Go forth and conquer!
Throwback to last Friday at the Christmas reception at my uni.
Had so much fun.
Got quite drunk too.
Made new friends, had fun with old friends.
Went to the student club afterwards and danced and had alcohol and enjoyed myself. .
Today I am trying to open a bank account. Bank is ridiculous. 2 times been to the branch already today cause my address on confirmation late said LN instead of LANE and had to go home print new one and get back to the bank. So did that and banker is not there cause on an early lunch break? Now waiting till 1pm at Costa. Probably gonna have lunch here. Any suggestions?
exactly what i needed to see this morning. thank you @__youll_be_okay__ :
Today I want you all to try something, instead of telling yourself bad things or that you can’t do anything right. I want you all to just force yourself into motivational and positive thoughts, just for today. It’s an amazing mindset to have and it really does make life a little better and easier, I promise❤️
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There. I said it.
What is it about that word that makes us feel ashamed to use it? After all, mental health is a hot topic nowadays; you can't read the paper without coming across a story or statistic about depression, anxiety or, sadly, suicide. And if we're told that one of the best things to do is to talk about it, why are we so scared to say the actual words to the people we know and love?
One of the things that I know about myself is that I'm terrible at hiding how I feel. There have been many times when I've cried on the school run, while driving in the car, or walking the dog. I must be known as the the Crying Mum by the other school parents, children and teachers. There was even that time the headteacher offered up his office so I could have my mini breakdown in relative privacy.
But there are only a handful of people I know in real life who I feel comfortable being open and honest with about how I feel. Maybe that's because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Maybe it's because they know the Other Me. Maybe it's because, in that particular moment, I want to forget that I'm not well.
Because I need to face the facts. This is a mental ILLNESS. It takes time, help, and often medicine, to feel better. Just like any other illness, if we ignore depression, it's not going to disappear by itself. And it's not going to go away overnight.
Christmas is looming, and it's going to be a challenging time. When all that you want to do is be by yourself, either because you just don't feel like socialising, or you don't want your sad, miserable face bringing everyone else down, Holiday Partying is the last thing that you want to do.
I am going to try. I might not be the life and soul of the party (I never was, to be fair), but I'll try.
Of course, there are good days. I read somewhere recently that you can be happy and laugh, and still be depressed. Actually, writing it down like that sounds really morose now, but there you go. (Continued in comments)
i've started dipping my toe into the world of cartomancy and it's a little eerie because the cards i've drawn have cumulatively pointed toward a need to rely on intuition and feelings. other cards have indicated a lack of stamina and lack of physical resources, yet the strength to power through (spooky, right?). the thing is, depression and anxiety have voices that lie to us and even though i know this, during difficult times those voices are too loud to ignore. my logic is compromised and my train of thought has guilt as the conductor, forging full speed ahead. yesterday my panic was so consuming that it felt like my thoughts were all screaming at the top of their lungs with indiscernible words. i couldn't understand a damn thing but it was too loud that i couldn’t escape. today, i'm going to try to rely less on my thoughts and more on how i feel and see how that goes. -me
So, I'm stuck awake so I decided to take this time to introduce myself a bit to people who don't know me as well admit things about myself to folks who do. Picture unrelated.
I'm Brandon. I'm a 26 year old software engineer who is constantly in a midlife crisis. I have bipolar 2, schizophrenia, and anxiety. I have issues pushing people I'm close with away, and when I force myself not to, I pull way too hard. I seem intimidating and mean but I'm actually pretty sensitive and nice. I call myself a teddy bear. I'm also deathly loyal to people I care about. Unfortunately, this also leads me to giving too much of myself and causes me a ton of pain. I want nothing more than to help people but that's lead me to very difficult situations that have been insanely hard to deal with and usually crush me.
I am not a monster. I thought I was for years but I'm not. I'm honest to a fault, empathetic, caring, helpful, funny, nice, and a hard worker but I'm also afraid, easily hurt, emotional, stubborn, and closed off. Being vulnerable is not easy for me and when I am I open up too much.
I'm proud of what I've done. I've gone from poverty to success. I have a well paying job, a house I own, a nice car, pets, generally a good life from the outside. Unfortunately I'm also lonely, exhausted, and lost. I do everything because I feel it's what I'm supposed to. I got a good job because I was supposed to. I bought a house because I was supposed to. I don't like my job or owning a house.
Don't get me wrong, I have friends. Plenty in fact. But it's hard living in a too large house and spending most my time alone.
I wake up, go to work, go to boxing, come home, go to sleep, repeat. Obviously I take care of my pets in between things. On weekends I either wander around taking pictures of things alone, take Dio somewhere, or stay home. I don't live an exciting life. There's a million things I want to do and experience but doing it all alone is, lackluster.
I've made several suicide attempts in my life. I've wanted to die since I was 10. That's 16 years of not wanting to live anymore and 16 years I've lived despite it. I'm not invincible. I can't carry everyone's burdens.
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Anxiety, you are ruthless and selfish. You will stop at nothing to abduct me from the inside out no matter what time of day, no matter where I am, and no matter what I’m doing. You are the undertow of my life just waiting for me to get my feet firmly planted so you can take your opportunity to pull me down and pull me in. Oh but you. Just when you think you’ve got me you slip up, failing to see the strength that burns from deep down in my soul. It’s as if the demon that you are fails to see, or maybe you are just incapable of seeing, the light that shines within me. Time and time again you get swallowed by my desire to live and breathe in a world that doesn’t involve you. And I too will stop at nothing to win. I too will be ruthless and selfish and I can promise you I will trump you any day when it comes to this because I know that I am worth it. We are all worth it. I know that I am far stronger than you at your peak. I know that I have an army of resources available to look you in your eye until you crumble, and crumble you will, each and every time. You will not engulf me in the flames of “incapable,” you will not engulf us. What you fail to see is how truly capable we are of meeting you head on. We may shake, we may be terrified and it may take every ounce of strength we have to go up against you but we will do it over and over again for as long as we have to. Our time on this earth will not be wasted because you feel the need to be our plus one everywhere we go. Just when you think you are wearing us down what you’re really doing is fueling our fire to keep fighting. Every time you leave us we reflect on our time together and what we continue to see, what is so very clear, is that we made it. We survived you and make no mistake about it I promise you that we will keep surviving you. It turns out you really don’t know us at all do you?
- Don't forget to check out my last post @anxietysupport.info - credit @michelelovetri ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ #mentalhealth#mentalhealthawareness#mentalillness#mentalhealthrecovery#mentalhealthsupport#stigma#anxiety#depression#panicattack#bpd#bipolar#eatingdisorder#recovery#beatingagoraphobia#b